Disclaimer: Don’t own
Author's Notes: This is essentially fluff masquerading as a post season 5 Atlantis independence fic. Hope you’ll still like it. Inspired by Clint Barton’s manskirt. Go on and google it. You know you want to.
Summary: Atlantis becomes independent, Lorne loses a bet, there’s a dress and no one’s allowed to touch except Parrish.
“It won’t be that bad, will it?” Lorne asked. Ten minutes ago he had been standing in Woolsey’s office together with Sheppard while Woolsey had calmly told the assembled IOC that the Atlantis mission was a civilian one, that the city belonged to the Pegasus galaxy and that it could not be used for Earth’s defence because they had accidentally started the warp drive and were already back home. After Woolsey had ended the call with a single “Fuck you”, Lorne had withstood the impulse to applause. The rest of the Atlantis expedition less so. At least until someone had pointed out that this meant no Daedalus supply trips in the near future. The collective groan from the leftover original expedition members had said it all. Even Sheppard, the biggest supporter of Woolsey telling the IOC where to put it, had joined in.
“You’re only saying that because you weren’t here the first time around”, Zelenka replied. “No coffee, no chocolate, no coffee for Rodney.”
Lorne patted Zelenka’s shoulder. “I can see your point.” He grinned when Zelenka glared at him. After all it wasn’t him who was stuck in same lab as Rodney or the same team.
“Katoh pancakes for the rest of your life.”
That made Lorne flinch. Katoh was the closest they had found to substitute flour but it tasted like fish. Half the expedition didn’t mind, while the other half pretty much started gagging as soon as someone mentioned the stuff. Unfortunately he and David fell on different sides of the divide.
Zelenka gave him a satisfied smirk. Like David he didn’t mind katoh at all.
“You’ll still be stuck in a lab with Rodney on caffeine withdrawal”, Lorne pointed out.
“Very mature of you, Major”, Zelenka said and rolled his eyes.
“Hey Lorne, Radek”, Sheppard sauntered into the room and sat down next to them. “How’s it going?”
“Well, someone cut off Rodney from a steady supply of coffee”, Zelenka said pointedly.
“Hey, Rodney’s personal stash of coffee is big enough to last him at least two years”, Sheppard replied. “Guy’s a genius for a reason.” He grinned when Zelenka let out a huff. “Don’t tell me you’re already having second thoughts. We haven’t even had a disaster yet.”
“Please don’t jinx it, Colonel”, Lorne said. Five years ago he would’ve scoffed at such superstition but five years ago he hadn’t lived on Atlantis yet.
“Sorry”, Sheppard drawled. “By the way I think your team was looking for you. Something about a bet you made with Cadman.” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively which told Lorne that Sheppard knew exactly what that bet entailed.
“Shoot me, now”, Lorne demanded, hiding his face in his hands.
“It can’t be that bad, can it?” Zelenka asked with all the warmth and understanding of a starved Wraith.
“I don’t want to give away too much”, Sheppard grinned, “but let’s say it involves traditional Artonian clothing.”
Zelenka’s eyebrows shot up. “I see. And what was the bet the Major has lost?”
“He thought under no circumstances would Woolsey ever lose his cool and use the word “fuck”.” Sheppard looked way too pleased with himself.
Lorne groaned behind his hands. He was mentally calculating how good his chances were of avoiding Laura or David for the rest of his life. He should’ve never taken Cadman up on that bet. And he should’ve never, ever let David keep the outfit.
“Look at it that way, Major, the Artonians will be very important trading partners and the sooner you get used to their way of dressing, the better.”
“You’re enjoying this far too much”, Lorne accused him.
“Not yet, Major, not yet.”
“You’ll have to come out sooner or later”, Laura said from the other side of the door.
“Give me a moment”, Lorne replied, twisting in the small bathroom to see if everything important was covered. For once it was an advantage that David was quite a bit taller than him. What was an indecently short dress on David actually fell down mid-thigh for Lorne. That said mid-thigh was still a lot shorter than Lorne was comfortable with and the dress’ neckline was even lower on him, leaving most of his chest exposed.
Lorne opened the door and stepped outside. There were a lot of people waiting in the corridor outside. News like this travelled faster than the speed of light around Atlantis.
Sheppard whistled. “Maybe we should make that the new dress uniform, what’re you saying, Teyla?”
Teyla who had been staring at Lorne’s chest, quickly looked up to his face. “I wouldn’t mind.”
Lorne felt his face burn. Teyla wasn’t the only one eyeing him with unconcealed interest. When he passed her, he heard Amelia whisper “Damn, he’s hot” and Ronon, leaning casually against a wall, looked him up and down and said, “Too bad you’re taken.”
“I know, right”, Sheppard replied. When Lorne looked at him, he held up his hands. “Hey, Colonel or not, I’m just a man. And Cadman made clear that we’re not allowed to touch.”
Rodney was the only one who didn’t give his new outfit more than a spare glance. Even Woolsey needed to refocus his eyes from Lorne’s chest to his face twice in the fifteen minutes Lorne was talking with him about the rationing schedule for chocolate and coffee. Hell, Beckett had blushed just from looking at him and Zelenka had walked into a pillar because he hadn’t been able to stop staring.
“If I had known the Doc felt that way I might’ve – “
“I’m not sure you want to finish that sentence”, Laura said with a look in David’s direction.
“I’m all ears”, David said, sounding amused. “And with Doc do you mean Beckett or Zelenka?”
“Or both?” Laura added.
“Both”, Lorne admitted. “Apparently I’d have more of a choice than I initially thought.”
“Go on”, David said.
Laura narrowed her eyes at him. “You’re way too calm about this.”
“Obviously Evan is about to tell me that I’ve been his first choice all along and to reassure me that I’m the only for him but that his ego feels flattered at so much extra attention.”
“It’s going to sound a lot less romantic now”, Lorne deadpanned.
“Give it your best shot.”
“Fine”, Lorne licked his lips. “I love you. Wanna get hitched? Pretty sure I can get Woolsey to legalise gay marriage by hiking up my dress and smiling a little.”
For a moment David starred at him, absolutely speechless. Then he started laughing. “You just had to turn this situation to your advantage, didn’t you?”
Lorne shrugged. “I’m competitive.”
The grin David gave him was nothing short of suggestive. “I know.”
“Is that a yes, then?” Lorne asked.
“It is”, David confirmed. “What it’s not, is a way to get off the hook. But I’m sure you’ll be happy to have me help you out of this dress tonight and reassure me again of your undying devotion to me.” With that he gave Lorne a quick kiss and walked out of the room.
“Damn it”, Lorne said, watching David leave. “By the way, where’s Reed?”
“Hiding”, Laura replied. “He said seeing David in that dress back on Arton was mentally scarring enough for one life. Also congratulations, even if it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to.”
“As long as he’s still marrying me at the end of the day, I’m more or less fine with that”, Lorne said. “Do you think I could distract Ladon Radim long enough so that he signs a favourable trade agreement?”
The look on Laura’s face was positively predatory. “Let’s find out.”